October 24th

For some reason, I haven’t sat down here and brain vomitted. I’ve had the urge a few times, but I never made the move and actually sat down.

Since the last time i wrote, much has happened. What happened? Idk I forget. I did a meat only diet for more than 3 days. I’ve been spinning around a ton about diet lately. Sometimes I feel like I get somewhere, then I’ll just discard it. Right now though, I’m leaning towards a mostly carnivorous diet. There’s solid evidence that that is what our ancestors would have preferred to eat and it seems like the optimal food for humans. By eating just meat, one needs to rely on the fat that they eat for energy, instead of carbohydrates consumed. I felt very good for the 3.5 days I was on it until I was offered free pizza and I crushed 7 pieces. Since the pizza crushing, I’ve been eating primarily meat, but I haven’t been as strict. Sugar is damn good.

I booked a job with adidas this past tuesday and I had such a blast shooting. It’s like wow, this is what I need to do everyday! Join a team and grind and make art. I especially liked this shoot because I got to use my athleticism, but it did feel somewhat weird being the kook there. Humbling for sure. One can grow drastically if they surround themselves with those “better” than themselves. I don’t like the term better, perhaps more talented in ways that you are not. Just because one is better at a particular activity does not mean they are better than you. I fall into this comparison trap all the time. And I’m sure just about everybody does. Gotta remember there will always be someone better. Sometimes when I see someone more talented at this or that, I think to myself, “well they’re probably not as good at baseball (insert other activity) as I am”. Soo stupid to think like this. At the end of the day we are all humans just trying to connect and receive and give love. Love truly is the answer.

I trip out about my current pursuits out here in LA, but I’m starting to realize that this was just because of all the conditioned thinking that I grew up with that stuck stigmas on certain activities. I’m trying to become a successful model and actor. I want these skills/gifts to take me overseas. I still have an urge to go and travel, figure out different cultures and learn from them. Traveling is so incredible because one learns so much by just being there. I haven’t left the country in over a year now - besides baja.. - . I trip out thinking that my pursuits are so selfish. I want this amount of power, influence, and fame, but why? That’s the question I have to keep asking myself, and perhaps I am not ready for it until I have an answer to this. At the same time, life is weird and can change in an instant.

I don’t think I’m ready to set down roots. I want to keep working on myself before I “settle down and have kids”. But you know what?!. working on yourself is a lifelong journey, so I don’t think it would matter if I had a partner or not. If I was to get a partner they would want the best for me and I would want the best for them. Not sure what this would look like at all, but perhaps I’ll “just know”. I never want to be trapped in one set of ways. And by this I mean I want to maintain an open mind like a child and be able to see things through any point of view.

I forger what time I started writing but this rant felt good. I’ll probably be checking in sooner next time.