Chasing Chicas (Jan 7. 2022)
(Don’t do it)
Here’s why the last 2 girls I’ve loved don’t have a ring on their finger.
Love, lust, fling, fun, whatever you want to call it, my last two connections taught me one main lesson. Terms aside, I liked these girls a lot. I went on two grand adventures to chase them, both ended with heartbreak.
Grand Adventure #1
My buddy Brock and I bicycled from Oregon to Tijuana. After 23 days of nonstop peddling, I slept in the Tijuana airport and flew to Mexico City to chase the guapa gal.
She knew I was coming. In my head, I thought this was such a grand gesture of love that it’d instantly swoop her off her feet. I thought my badassery would melt her the moment she looked into my eyes.
Okay reader, you may not believe this because it couldn’t have been scripted any better.. I get there, say hi, and she wanders off to her new guy's house. Meanwhile, I’m staying at her place in the same room as her ex-fiance who she dumped to come to be with me. HA. Good times.
I met this shiny new boyfriend who happened to be a diplomat and was jacked and ridiculously good-looking, which was fun… not. The gal fell back into my arms for a couple of days before going off to live happily ever after with her new boy. Fin. (full movie coming)
Grand Adventure #2
Fresh off the boat from Fboy Island, I went to get my 200hr Yoga Teacher Training in Costa Rica. I met someone special there, and we had a great time.
We fell hard and talked almost every day for a month after. I flew to her hometown. We had a great time, I met her family, and then I left. I left saying, “I’ll see ya when I see ya”. Facepalm.
Months later with little contact, I told her that my real reason for driving to Central America was to see her (Another reason here). So yes, I survived the drive from San Diego to Costa Rica and got to the gal just before she left for the holidays.
With no expectations of winning her back, she fell asleep in my arms on the night I arrived. I was STOKED. The next day, we had a misunderstanding and upon spilling my heart a few days later I got my answer.. No.
The Lesson
“You only know you love her when you let her go”. Gosh, this song lyric is true in my experience. I let both girls go without an honest pursuit.
Lesson: In both cases, I spun up narratives in my own head about how things should be and what I thought the girls wanted/needed, instead of directly addressing my concerns. No bueno.
It was stuck in my head that Mexico girl would have to be single for a while after leaving her long relationship.
I determined off of one indirect comment that Costa Rica girl wouldn’t want to try long distance.
Meanwhile, I had great connections with both of them and they both signaled that they wanted to be with me.
People deserve to know how you feel about them. Bonus: It feels amazing to get it off of your chest.
Onwards
I went to way too many weddings this year. My friends are dropping like flies. I’ve thought deeply about if I would like to make such a commitment and my answer is always yes.
There’s a certain freedom that comes with making a lifelong commitment, bound by law and social contract. As Jocko says “Discipline = Freedom”.
Whether or not I do get married, a lasting relationship will require emotional availability and honesty. I think love is a dance, a power struggle, and no two relationships are the same. I know it’s gonna suck, but there’s no such thing as highs if there are no lows.
From here on out, it’s time to be honest with a lady I find special. She deserves to know how I feel, and better yet, I deserve to know how she feels. If I actually know this, then maybe I wouldn’t implant some narrative in my head about what she thinks or feels and we can actually have a relationship.
Hmm. There’s a thought.
I’m in no rush whatsoever to find a mate. These two learning experiences filled me with wonderful highs and lonely lows. Being human is fun. I’m excited to take what I’ve learned and bring it to the next opportunity that arises.
ps. Mating in Captivity is my favorite book. Thanks, Esther Perel for your great work. Highly, highly recommend:)